When it comes to dating and trying to find a relationship, I think we can often place our ‘life’ and ‘dating life’ into two separate categories. What’s so important to recognise though, is that the quality of your relationships and the ones you attract are usually a direct result of what’s going on behind the scenes of your lifestyle. And when it comes to dating or finding a fulfilling relationship, you want to be in a position where you have choice. Where you are connecting with a variety of women so that you’re not settling for the first one who shows interest just because you don’t have much else going on.
So, here are 6 ways that you can ‘upgrade’ your lifestyle to attract better relationships. And by the way, this applies to all types of relationships be it friendships, work, social and so on. And don’t be misled by the word upgrade either! It’s definitely not about throwing cash at the situation.
1) Be interesting. So get interested
Women are attracted to interesting men. It doesn’t really matter what this is (as long as it isn’t anything weird or creepy!), but men who show passion or at least a keen interest for something are incredibly magnetic. To be interesting though, you need to get interested. Be curious. Start spending more time on the things that make you tick. Instead of coming home from work and watching the same TV shows all evening (which doesn’t make for great social/dating conversations), start indulging in the things that you are interested in and explore them more. Or try new things. Depending on what these are – a type of sport for example, it could also lead to meeting more people socially and extending your social circle.
Part of upgrading is all about consistently learning and educating yourself. It keeps your brain engaged and gives you things to talk about!
2) Take care of your health
Ok, this isn’t about going to extremes and turning to whatever health trend is creating a buzz at the moment. It’s simply just being aware of eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep. You can take it bit by bit but commit to making a start. When you take proactive care of your health it makes you mentally stronger, you look better and have more energy. All of this equates to upping your attraction. Women are attracted to men who take pride in their health and wellbeing. All people are. If you’re lazy when it comes to your health this will be to the detriment of everything else in your life.
3) Take pride in your environment
Like the people you spend time around, the state of your environment is usually a reflection of what’s going on in your life as a whole. So spend some time reassessing what your living space needs work on. If you want to attract a great relationship, your home needs to be ready for that too! The main thing that women are instantly put off by is uncleanliness, so put into place a weekly cleaning routine. A few other checkpoints could be de-cluttering, having the core kitchen and bathroom essentials, looking at your decor and creating some focal points of interest that reflect your personality and interests. Ultimately, you want your home to show that you are a guy who has his s**t together. And it’s not about investing money in completely redecorating. Just a few tweaks, readjustments and economical additions will make a huge difference!
4) Always be pushing yourself out of your comfort zone
Nobody can grow if they stay the same. One of the biggest ways to upgrade your lifestyle is to constantly push yourself out of your comfort zone and try new things. You’ll be amazed at how much you learn, evolve and grow in confidence when you do this. Those things that you are most fearful to do are exactly the things you should be pushing yourself bit by bit to do. The reason for this, is that these fears are likely the things that at your core, you want to be doing but are too scared to do or are talking yourself out of. And allow yourself to make mistakes as that’s fine. It keeps you on your toes and learning! Plus when it comes to women, we like men who push themselves. They’re inspiring and that’s attractive.
5) Look at who you’re spending time with
We can’t be completely choosy about all the people we spend time around, but the ones we can, it’s good to be a bit selective. This isn’t about ditching all your friends but it’s about trying to shape your social life so that you’re mixing with a variety of people who keep you interested and interesting as in my first point, make you feel good, inspire and motivate you, who you can have fun with and who make you want to be a great person to be around. You want to be the guy who people want to spend time with! If you constantly socialise with the same people, look at how you can begin to interact with new people. And if you spend too much time alone, it’s time to start getting a bit more social because too much time in isolation is suppressing.
6) Do the inner work
Without going too woo-woo, the absolute biggest lifestyle upgrade you can look to implement starts with your opinion of yourself. To have great relationships in all areas, you have to believe that you are worthy of them. So that relationship with yourself is the primary one to be working on. And to be worthy of fulfilling and healthy relationships, you have to value others too. Also, when it comes to attraction, women are instantly drawn to men who value themselves. Who have opinions (without being overbearingly opinionated!) and who place importance on their own standards and goals. So spend some time really analysing and figuring out what these are. And then how you can make sure that what you do and why you do it is always aligned to these.
The 6 things I’ve explored will ultimately change and impact how you value and treat yourself, which in turn, will lead to attracting better relationships in all areas of your life. So have a think about how you can start to put each one into place – and commit to making a start!
Hope you enjoyed the article. If you’d like to hear more from Laura, you can check her out on the MDM Podcast where we talk about dealing with break-ups (Laura’s specialty). Or visit her website (links and bio below). Alec.
Bio: Laura Yates is a relationship and dating coach specializing in helping guys through break-ups and heartbreak.
A lot of people, male and female, are attracted to the idea of a non-exclusive relationship. And when presented with the opportunity, they jump for joy, thinking that it is carte blanche to do whatever they want. They may start checking out, flirting, texting or talking on the phone with other people right in front of the person that they are dating or otherwise doing “stuff” with. They seem to mistake lack of exclusivity with lack of rules. But there are rules. They are known as respect, discretion and empathy. It is sad that I have to write about this but observation has demonstrated that I do.
When you go out with a friend, acquaintance or colleague, you don’t just ditch them in favor of socializing with who ever happens to be around. I hope. It is suffice to say that doing so would be disrespectful to the other person and that they would cut you out of their life pretty quickly for such behavior. Hopefully you possess enough self-respect to not put up with that kind of crap either.
Why some people think that the same basic courtesy does not apply in a non-exclusive relationship (whether romantic or sexual) baffles me. Just because somebody has consented to seeing other people does not in any way suggest that they agreed to be disrespected. It does not matter if you are in an open relationship, casually dating or in a friends with benefits arrangement. Respect, discretion and empathy are the minimum that you should be extending to any person that you come into contact with.
So if you are in a non-exclusive relationship, go ahead and do whatever you want with other people, on your own time. But when you are together, your attention should be entirely on that person. If it is not, then why would they want to be around you in the first place? They can feel alone all by themselves, without your help. Conversely, if you are on the receiving end of this kind of behavior, then cut that person loose. They still have growing up to do.
Ever since Neil Strauss published The Game, guys have been obsessed with “opening” (i.e. approaching) women. They started running around bars, streets and shopping malls, approaching as many women as they could find the courage for and then bragging about it to their wingmen. Some guys will “open” 10, 15 or even 20 women in a single night.
When a guy brags about how many women he approached, I take it to mean that he doesn’t actually know how to talk to them. If he approached a dozen or more girls in a single outing, what kind of interaction do you suppose he had with any of them? Chances are that he either got blown out shortly after striking up conversation or got too scared to lead the interaction past the initial small talk and ran off.
A guy who actually knows how to talk to a woman will not need to approach a dozen of them in a single outing. Instead, he will find one or two, engage her in conversation, build attraction and establish a connection. By the end of the interaction, he will either leave with the girl or leave her wanting more. It is the difference between a sniper and a blind man with a machine gun. A sniper will get the kill without collateral damage while the blind man with a machine gun will shoot up the place and still miss the target.
So next time you decide to meet some women, instead of running around and annoying a whole bunch of them, focus on creating quality interactions instead. Try to get to know her, build a connection and take the interaction where you are normally too scared to take it. One interaction seen through to the end is going to do more for your personal development than a dozen insubstantial interactions that don’t go anywhere.
If you read my post on how to avoid rejection, you will remember that I actually advised you not do it. That is because if you are not getting rejected, you are playing it safe and therefore not reaching your potential. There are a number of reason why I love rejection. Here are my top two:
Rejection is Liberating
Fear is a state of worry over a potential outcome. It is a useful emotion when there is risk of an outcome that may be harmful. Like getting mauled by a bear on a camping trip. In this case fear guides you take wise precautions; like packing bear spray for instance. However, irrational fears do not serve you, they cripple you. Fear of rejection by a woman is an irrational fear. And the only way to rid yourself of it is to face it.
The reward for facing an irrational fear is liberation. When you get rejected and realize that its impact is inconsequential to your well-being, fear of rejection loses its hold over you, thereby releasing you from constraints. If you’d like to hear an inspiring story of one man’s triumph over a debilitating fear of rejection, check out episode 2 of the Men’s Dating Mastery Podcast, with Jason Comely. Or if you feel the need to take a really deep dive into this then I recommend a book called “Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway” by Dr. Susuan Jeffers, which I recommend.
Failure is Feedback
Once you learn to embrace rejection, you can begin to use it to your advantage.
Let’s use a basketball analogy. You can watch the NBA and read all about basketball. But until you pick up the ball and take a shot on net, you will not know how to play. And the odds of you missing your first shot are almost guaranteed. However, it is that miss that allows you to adjust your throw. With every shot, you adjust the angle, force, spin and curve that you apply to the ball. You will have a bunch of consecutive misses and sometimes it may seem like you are actually getting farther away from net. But each miss provides you with the necessary feedback that finally gets you that swish.
You cannot have success without failure. You need failure in order to know which way to steer your ship.
I’ll leave the final words to Michael Jordan:
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
I am writing this as I a wrap up a vacation in Miami where I got to spend time with two girls who could not be more different from each other. This reminded me of a recurring concept that I originally learned in business school. That is the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy.
Girl one was into her late thirties while girl two was an undergrad student in her early twenties. The three of us spent our last night partying it up at a club with a Latin flavor and a younger crowd.
In this setting, if you knew nothing else about these two women, you would expect girl one to be completely out of place. She may conjure up images of a lonely woman, looking for companionship in the wrong place. On the other hand, you would expect girl two to fit right in. Yet reality was the exact opposite.
You see, girl one was confident, very social and had a positive outlook on everything and everyone around her. So much that I almost started to question her sanity. Girl two on the other hand was introverted, shy and very self-conscious; she kept going on about how out of place she felt.
So in the club, girl one was dancing up a storm, chatting it up and laughing with everyone around her, and drawing the attention of men. Girl two wall-flowered and went largely unnoticed, except by me, who after too many attempts to loosen her up was left with the impression that she was kind of socially awkward. I know what you’re wondering, so to answer your question: their looks were comparable.
So the girl who by socially accepted norms, should have been the odd one out, was the life of the party that everyone wanted to be around simply because she believed herself to be so and acted in accordance with it. Meanwhile, the girl who should have fit right in but believed herself to be the odd one out ended up being exactly that. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
I know, this article sounds like it’s written for women but the gender here really doesn’t matter as the lesson is universal. If as a guy, you think that you are too old, don’t belong, or that the environment is not your scene, you will continue to prove yourself right as long as you act in accordance with that belief. After my two companions departed, I was left in Miami alone. I felt a little awkward going around by myself. Particularly when it came to night life. But I challenged myself to go out and be social anyway. After all, I was not about to waste my vacation to feelings of self-consciousness. And you know what? People were friendly and I had no trouble making friends. Of all the people I met, only one girl asked if I was alone and upon hearing that I was, her only comment was that she wished that she had the confidence to travel solo too.
I recently watched a brilliant YouTube video of Nick Sparks giving a presentation at the 21 Convention called “How to Hold a Conversation Like a Man”. It’s a great talk about how to start and lead conversations with women you are meeting for the first time and I really recommend that you watch it. However, if you do not have an hour to spare, you can read my thoughts on it below.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks for guys when meeting women is the conversation. A lot of guys feel that they don’t know what to say and some guys don’t know when to shut up.
At some point men started to believe that they are entirely responsible for the conversation they have with a woman. They feel that they need clever opening lines and hilarious and witty things to say at all times. That’s a lot of pressure so it’s no wonder that guys freeze up.
What men have forgotten somewhere along the way is that conversation is a two way street. In other words, both parties have to contribute to the conversation in order for it to exist. Otherwise, you become some kind of entertainer and I don’t see why you would want to go around entertaining strangers, unless you are getting paid for it. Besides, how can you possibly know everything you are going to say to a person that you know absolutely nothing about, in advance of meeting them. You figure that out along the way.
Nick would tell you that the best opening line is “Hey”. As he explains it, you can start by saying Hello and asking a basic question like “what are you up to tonight?” or “where are you from?” (simple, right?). Once you do that, it is up to the woman to reciprocate and that is how conversation is born. Who would have thought! If she does not want to engage then Nick suggests finding someone who does.
Then there are guys who are not at a loss for words but rather, don’t know when to stop talking. It can be a different symptom of the same problem. Feeling obligated to fill any silence with words, these guys become talking machines, neglecting to give the woman an opportunity to get a word in. Talking too much can actually come across as a sign of nervousness or worse, a lack of social intelligence. If you are speaking to a woman, make sure that she in engaged. If you have been talking for a while without much of a contribution from her then just stop; allow for an awkward silence. If she re-engages you then you know that she wants to keep talking, if not, move on.
There is little that most people like more than being listened to. So why deprive her of the opportunity? Let her speak and take an interest in what she has to say. Don’t worry about what you are going to say next. If you are actively listening then trust that you will know. And don’t feel the need fill every moment of silence; it is not always your responsibility.
None of this is to be used as an excuse to be passive. Go out, initiate conversations and lead the interaction but don’t take on the full burden of making the conversation happen. Do your fifty percent and let her take care of the rest. And don’t be afraid to allow for an awkward silence. If you’ve done your part and she hasn’t then she should be the one feeling awkward.