As men, we always strive to be better with women but it never occurs to us that being too good can actually sabotage the results we seek. As you strive to be confident, charismatic, smooth and just plain cool, realize how this can actually backfire:
1) Women Can Be Insecure and Nervous Around The Guys They Like
We are so obsessed with appearing confident that we don’t stop to think that women also have their insecurities. Just like men can get nervous around an attractive girl, women can get self-conscious and nervous around guys they like. If you are too cool for school then that may involuntarily lead her to blow you off on the grounds that she feels like she just can’t measure up.
2) If You Are Too Smooth, She Won’t Trust You
If you are too smooth she may think that you are just a ladies man who is like that around all women. In other words she will feel like your attraction for her is not authentic and that you are just playing her in order to add to a pile of hollow conquests. It doesn’t matter whether this is actually true or not; it’s what she perceives. She’ll have fun being in your company but she won’t trust you and she probably won’t sleep with you.
How do you know if this is happening to you?
It’s quite easy. She will be smitten, she will be all smiles and want to be in your company but she won’t trust you. For instance, she might flirt and be clearly turned on but she just won’t allow herself to have sex with you. She may even accuse you of being a player or of being “too smooth”. It is kind of how you may feel around a really charming sales person. They might have great people skills and you may even enjoy talking to them but you know to keep your guard up. The ironic thing is that this is not just a problem that real ladies men have. It can happen to a regular guy who just happens to be hitting his stride on that particular day.
So if this you, how do you deal with it? There are two ways:
1) Own It
If she accuses you of being a player, ladies men or of activing like that around all the girls, own it. Do not apologize, deflect or attempt to explain away your behavior. There is nothing wrong with being attractive to women and owning it will only grow that attraction in her eyes.
2) Inject Some Vulnerability Into Your Interaction
There is a difference between appearing confident and as some kind of infallible smooth operator. You need to remind yourself that you are trying to connect with a human and humans connect with other humans. Allowing yourself to be just a little nervous or injecting some vulnerability into your communication can put her at ease. Confidence combined with vulnerability is a powerful potion that will make you more relatable and therefor trustworthy to a girl.
I feel like this subject has been beat to death and yet the fact that so many guys continue to make the same mistake serves as evidence to the contrary. I am talking about an invention of the pickup community known as the neg.
If you are not familiar with it, the neg is a negative comment made to a girl that you are actually interested in, in order to attract her. Presently, there are legions of men roaming through bars, dissing women. It is particularly sad to see a guy dish out an insult to a friendly girl, who up until that moment was actually into him. It happens too often.
So what is the reasoning behind this behavior? The thinking is that by making a negative comment, the man will bring down the woman’s self-esteem thereby making her seek his validation in order to regain it. Here is a funny blog post written by a guy who conducted an unscientific, real-world experiment on the effectiveness of this technique. The bottom line is that it is manipulative, hurtful and mean. But it does occasionally work: on insecure women with already low self-esteem.
And what does it say about the guy doing it? People who drag other people down typically do so as a way of masking their own insecurities. If you are confident man, who respects himself and leads his life with integrity, then you wouldn’t be interested in this technique nor the women that it may attract.
Rather than dish out insults, a healthier and more effective approach would be to tease the girl in a way that you would tease your sister or your buddies. You love them and you like to poke fun at them; it’s done in good humor and without malice. If she is a fun girl, she’ll do it right back to you and you’ll like it. It’s called being playful and it builds attraction.
In the first scenario, you are being a manipulative asshole who might attract women with low self-esteem. In the second, you are being a playful guy who attracts women because he is fun to be around. Which one do you want to be?
Admittedly, this is a biased post but having tried various online platforms over the course of several years with mixed results, I eventually shut it down and never looked back. I was recently reminded why.
I briefly dated a girl who was very active on Plenty of Fish and equally unhappy with her results. Being an attractive girl, in a cosmopolitan city and receiving messages from more than 100 guys per week, I could not believe that there weren’t any good options for her. Yet that is what she claimed.
One night, when we were out, she received a message from a new guy and just for fun, decided to share it with me. She looked repulsed as she handed me her phone and said: “You see what I have to deal with?” She claimed that his message was lame, that he wasn’t good looking and that he was too short. His message was a brief compliment on her smile, he wasn’t batting out of his league looks-wise and he was 5’10” (2-3” taller than her). Perhaps unspectacular on first impression, but certainly underserving of that reaction. Plus she didn’t even read his profile. After I systematically challenged each of her arguments, she finally blurted out: “well he doesn’t meet my checklist!” Perfect place to start:
Online, Women are Often Too Concerned with Their “Check List”
This is based purely on anecdotal evidence but having had this conversation with many women, I have yet to meet one who doesn’t have a “checklist”. You can’t blame her. If she is receiving messages from hundreds of guys, she needs some kind of system to screen them. The downside for you is that if you don’t meet some random item on her list, she is on to the next. Something that in real life, she may have easily overlooked had she only had a chance to interact with you. I have a very charismatic friend who regularly dated women taller than him; on more than one occasion these women confessed that had they met online, he wouldn’t get a chance.
The Odds Are Stacked Against You in Online Dating
I once read an article of an experiment by a guy who wanted to observe online dating from the female perspective. So he set up two fake Lavalife profiles (when Lavalife was still a thing). One of a very attractive woman and another of a somewhat unkempt woman with below average looks. The results from the first profile were predictable. But the second profile also received over 50 messages in a single week. For most guys, one message initiated by a woman is cause enough to jump for joy. If you consider that the first thing a woman sees from you is a small blip amidst potentially hundreds of other blips in her inbox, well then it’s kind of tough to differentiate yourself.
Looks Matter a Lot More in Online Dating
While women are often more lenient than guys when it comes to looks, they tend to place greater emphasis on them online. No surprise in an environment where the number of men is high and the only thing to go off are pictures and self-indulgent profile write-ups. The challenge for men is that if they are not as good looking, photogenic or simply don’t have a lot of pictures to use in the first place, they are at a greater disadvantage online than in the real world.
It Is Poor Time Management
Contrary to popular belief, I found online dating very time consuming. Reading profiles, writing messages and setting up dates is much more drawn out than simply approaching a girl and inviting her out. And what happens after you have spent hours setting up a date only to realize in the first five minutes that you are not physically attracted or that your personalities don’t jive?
In the real world, these things are established in real time; you know instantaneously if you are physically attracted and after a short conversation, you can establish whether this is someone who you might want to hang with. Even if she is not into you, you can find out right away and move on instead of reading profiles, crafting messages and waiting for responses.
There is No Personal Growth in Online Dating
I concede that, despite these obstacles, for those who understand how the game works and know how to play it, online dating can deliver great results. But hiding behind a computer to get dates, does not make you any better with women or help you in other areas of your life. On the other hand, learning how to approach and attract women in the real world has the added benefit of growing your confidence, developing better social skills and actually teaching you something about the opposite sex.
Titles like this are typically used to bait you into clicking on the link but fail to deliver on the stated promise. But I am no liar so I will give you what you’re looking for. Although, I have to say that I don’t encourage anyone to go through life avoiding rejection. If you are not getting rejected in your dating life or in other areas of your life, it means that you are playing it safe and not living to your potential. I recorded a great episode with international phenomenon, Jason Comely, on how to overcome fear of rejection and live a more full life; list to it here. With that said, if you still want a more sure fire method for approaching women that will lead to a yes, here it is: approach women who are already attracted to you. I can already hear the objections but stay with me.
You might be thinking:
- How do I know if a woman is attracted to me before I approach her?
- I am not good looking enough.
- Women are not attracted to me.
- I don’t like the women who are attracted to me.
Let’s talk about each of these:
How Do I Know If A Woman Is Attracted To Me?
Women give off clues that they are interested in you all the time, but they are usually subtle. I’ll give you two common ones that are easy to spot. The first is if she makes direct eye-contact and holds it or coyly looks away. Note that looking away coyly is not the same as looking away with indifference. The second is if she puts herself within your proximity for no logical reason. For example, if she is crossing over to the other side of the room and deliberately passes near you, even though there is a more convenient path to her destination. If this happens multiple times, it’s the equivalent of her clubbing you over the head. If you observe these things then walk over and say hi, as if you already know each other and with the understanding that she invited you to approach. No clever opening lines needed as you both know what’s going on.
I Am Not Good Looking Enough
There is almost always someone who will find you attractive. I have friends who are not particularly attractive in the traditional sense and yet they get attention from women on a regular basis (even if they are oblivious to it). In the mating game, everyone makes an assessment of their bargaining chips and seeks out others, whose bargaining chips are of perceived equal value. I recorded a brilliant podcast episode with Caelin White where he explains this concept. It is one of the most popular episodes on the show and you can listen to it here.
Women Are Not Attracted To Me
This may be true but it is fixable. If no woman is attracted to you, it is usually because of how you present yourself. If you are giving off negative energy by exhibiting unfriendly, hostile or an otherwise unapproachable attitude or if you look mopey and depressed, then people in general, will find you unattractive. If you are relaxed, social and having a good time, women will want to be around you. It is your job to present yourself in a positive manner.
I Don’t Like the Women Who Are Attracted To Me
You got me on this one. There is no cheat here. If your complaint is that you don’t like the women who display interest in you, well then you have to stop trying to avoid rejection. This is what I was getting at about living to your full potential. If you want more choice then you will have to work on yourself to exhibit more attractive qualities, take more chances and risk rejection. The good part is that daring to risk rejection, will make you more attractive in and of itself.
Allow me to preface this post so it is clear exactly what is being discussed here. The emphasis is on the word relationship. This is distinctly different from a friends with benefits arrangement (FWB) or any other casual arrangement. What I am referring to is a loving, committed (note that commitment need not equal exclusivity), relationship that is rooted in trust and honesty. Just like a good monogamous relationship would be, except without sexual exclusivity. In other words, there is no cheating, lying or otherwise keeping girls on the side that your partner does not know about.
With that out of the way, if you are reading this, then chances are that you are interested in or actively pursuing an open relationship. I can tell you that it is possible. You may be surprised to know that even women who would not normally consider such an arrangement, will enter into it with the right person and under the right circumstances. In fact, this article addresses exactly such a scenario.
On paper, its the best of both worlds. You can have all the benefits of a monogamous relationship while retaining the novelty and thrill of being with multiple sexual partners. But as with all things, there is a cost-benefit trade off and the following three insights will help you determine whether you are up to the task.
1. You Need to Be Awesome
If you are introducing someone to an open relationship that would not normally be in one, then you better be bringing something to the table that no other guy is. In other words, you have to be a better partner. That means being a better lover, more supportive, trustworthy, ambitious, etc. If the person you are with is at first not comfortable with the idea then the only way that they will go along with it is if you are delivering something that no other guy can. Because as soon as someone who is your equal and interested in a monogamous relationship comes along, she will move on and you can’t fault her for it.
2. Open Relationships Take Exponentially More Work
If you know anything at all about relationships, then you know that they take work. Open relationships require exponentially more of it. Feelings of jealousy will arise more frequently and will need to be addressed with patience, compassion and understanding. You will need to constantly check in with your partner to assure, re-assure and continue to re-assure them that you still love and care for them. They will need to be reminded on an ongoing basis that your feelings for them are genuine and that you are not going to leave them for the next piece of ass that comes along. You will have to learn how to anticipate emotional needs and fulfill them before they arise. The kind of communication which many men find draining will take place regularly.
3. You Have to Be Willing to Walk Away
Ask yourself if your desire for and open relationship is strong enough for you to risk losing the girl, because you might. Whether she chooses to stay or go will be a testament to how solid you are on numbers 1 and 2, above. There is a very good chance that she will try to break up with you over this. If you feel very strongly about you desire for an open relationship then you will have to hold your ground. She might bluff breaking it off with you or actually try to do so. Either way, if you balk, then you will compromise your credibility and in the process, give up your power in the relationship which will only hurt your future with this woman. If your girl means a lot to you and you are not dead set on having an open relationship but are merely considering the possibility, then you might be better off positioning it as such and having an exploratory conversation instead.
Of course, there are more than just three things to open relationships but these are the fundamentals that you need to be aware before you go down that path. If you take anything away from this article it is that open relationships take a lot of work and can be quite draining on an emotional and energetic level. It is only with that understanding in mind that you can truly assess if it is right for you. If this sounds like too much work then you might be more suited for monogamy or, if you still desire multiple sexual partners, a more casual arrangement.
Unless you live in a really tiny town, you have an opportunity to meet new women every time you step out of your home. Whether you are going grocery shopping, to the gym or with the express intent of meeting women, there are four basic things you need to keep on top of before you step foot outside your home:
1. Always Leave the House Clean and Well Dressed
If you are stepping out to run a quick errand, it’s easy to justify not showering and shaving or wearing old or unclean clothes. That is until you see a cute girl that you really want to talk to and realize that you look and smell like a pen-handler. Now you are so self-conscious about your appearance that your confidence is shaken. As for all the bravado about being able to pick up a girl no matter how you look, there are literally hundreds of research based studies proving that appearance affects not only how others perceive you but also how you feel about yourself and how well you perform.
Why sabotage yourself by going out in public looking and smelling like a bum. Nobody is telling you to play dress up every time you leave the house but you should always be well groomed; showered, shaved and wearing clean and presentable cloths. I recently recorded an episode on this subject with style consultants Kylie & Jonathan. Keep an eye out for it in weeks to come.
2. Always Keep Your House in Order
Whether you are out on a date or with a girl you just met at the bar, you may have an opportunity to take her home. Don’t put yourself in a position where you have to second guess doing so because you are afraid that the mess in your place will be a total attraction killer. Keep your place clean at all times.
Life gets busy, so don’t make a habit of cleaning at the last minute, before you go out. Clean your place thoroughly and maintain it that way, always.
3. Keep Your Car Clean
You find yourself wrapped up in conversation with a girl after work, fitness class, or whatever and it just so happens that she is going your way. What a perfect opportunity to extend the interaction, get her number and line up a date by offering her a ride. Not if your car reeks of BO, the fan is blowing dust in her face and you have crap scattered all over. A quick google search came with up with plenty of options to have your car cleaned inside and out for under $40. If you change your oil at the dealership then chances are, they offer this service. So if you don’t want to do it yourself, then spend a few bucks and have it done with your next oil change. Easy.
4. Stop Procrastinating; Get Your Shit Done
It’s hard to stay present to your interaction with a girl when your mind is pre-occupied with all the work that you should have done but didn’t. You may even find yourself second guessing whether you should bring her home with you for fear that it will set you back even further. This is especially true if you run your own business. Stop procrastinating and get your shit done during the day. Knowing that you had a productive day will allow you to relax and take full advantage of your well-earned leisure time.
These examples are not one-off situations. If you are a busy and socially active guy then these situations and opportunities arise on a daily basis. You just need to keep your eyes open to cease them. Perhaps if you are a student dating other students, you can continue to neglect these things. But by the time you leave college or university, women’s expectations go up. It’s time to stop acting like a boy.